I recently got into a major accident and my poor Barney was totaled. Not only was that car a symbol of my adulthood (first big purchase with my hard-earned money), but it was a memory machine that contained within its red shell a lot of good times. And definitely some shitty ones. I’d like to take this time to mourn this loss by recollecting the top 5 memories I shared with Barney.

Don’t worry, they all have to do with men.

1. I was dropping off a really drunk friend who—as soon as I parked in front of his place—lunged at me, licking the entirety of my face and confessing his feelings for me in-between saliva splattering on me and the odor of heavy alcohol consumption seeping through his pores. He even excused himself to throw up… into my cupholder. We don’t really talk anymore, and to this day, he refuses that anything like that ever happened. What he’ll never know is that I actually recorded him.
2. Someone had scraped Barney’s rear bumper during church one morning, and they didn’t even leave a note or anything. Since it was the first “ding” on his body, I was especially upset and it was exactly like that feeling you get when you leave the screen protector on your iPhone on for as long as you can and then someone rips it off as a cruel joke and you just can’t put it together again. I digress. Anyway, I was ranting to a guy who I was talking to about it, and he was really sweet. The next day, I was leaving for work and once I approached my car, I noticed something on my rear bumper and saw that someone stuck an adorable band-aid over the scrape. God, that was cute.
3. I saw it in movies, and I always wanted a guy to do it. Then when it happened, I wanted to rip off my clothes and dance on the roof of my car. Within a split second of kissing a date adieu, he lifted my whole body by the waist and placed me on top of my trunk. I giggled like an adolescent girl, and a small dream was fulfilled that night.
4. A boyfriend and I had broken up, and as soon as I turned on the ignition to leave, he ran up to my window and admitted that it was really difficult to say goodbye. I agreed, and we ended up having one of the best conversations of our relationship right there, our arms tangled and draped over the window. All the arguing and tense situations we faced as a couple dissipated and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was talking to my dear friend again. However, the drive home after that was nothing short of an emotional explosion.
5. I spent seven hours in my car with this one guy who I had really began to like, and it was as if we were living like a typical, fantastically adorable couple in a tiny-ass studio. We had a dance party, we sang along to Disney songs, and we made out like crazy kiddos for at least 57% of the time. When the sky started to brighten, we were wrapped around each other with a beach towel over our bodies and the voice of Celine Dion softly lingering in that sweaty space. We knew it was time to call it a day, but why not go out with a bang? That Beauty and the Beast song still makes me blush.

Thank you for being a part of many beautiful moments, and thank you for tolerating the really ratchet ones. You were a good and loyal steed, Barney.