From photos that I saw of him, he looked like a nice, harmless guy. I thought, “Hm, why not take a break from the craziness and give normalcy a chance?” If only the future Caroline can go right up to the Caroline of that moment and just LOL right at her face. When I met him in person, normalcy jumped through a glass window and plummeted to the ground below.

He wasn’t fit nor did he have a body to gaggle over, yet he talked about sports like he had years of experience with it. Which he did… either on the bench or through fantasy leagues. As a side note, superfans (those who breathe and would DIE for sports, and even more specifically, those who would defend and love Kobe like they would their own mothers) annoy the shit out of me. I won’t get into it though, this story isn’t supposed to be that long. Anyway, he loved the Lakers and straight up told me in jest, “If you don’t like the Lakers, get out of my face right now!” Then he laughed, leading me to believe he was joking, but I knew in my heart that he actually meant that by the nasty glint in his eyes. I simply shrugged and laughed along, but I wanted to slap him across the face. He also served as a volunteer in the middle school ministry at church for 12 years, and were awfully close to his students. In fact, he had them on speed dial and hung out with them a few times a week, which honestly is overkill. A man in his late thirties should NOT be spending that much time with kids if it’s not his full-time calling. BOUNDARIES, DUDE. Lastly, he talked about his mother a LOT. Trust me, when guys talk about their mothers, it can be endearing. A family-oriented man who wants to take care of his own is a great sign, but this guy took it to a whole new level by starting sentences with, “Actually, my mom wouldn’t let me…” or “My mom loves this drink!” or “My mom says that I’m…”

By the end of the first hour, I had consumed four whiskey sours and I was done. I was finally able to have a moment to myself when his phone started to ring, and I may have blurted out too excitedly, “Oh you should get that!” He picked up, said some words while giggling and looked straight at me, mouthing the words, “It’s my mom!”

JESUS.