His words were like poetry and anything he typed seemed like something out of a sappy publication. We had gotten to the point in our conversations where he wanted to know what my tastes were.

“What kind of guy are you looking for?”

I pondered this a moment, and decided to give him the simple answer.

“A guy with a good heart, strong convictions, and knowledge of what he wants in life.”

Somewhat cliche, I know. But I also hate answering this question because the guy should let me decide if he’s even the right type of guy for me, rather than having me recite the things that I want and just hope that he fits the mold. Anyway, I wanted to be polite so I asked him right back what he wants in a girl.

He sent me a three-page PDF. Enjoy.

When he didn’t hear a reply from me for a few days, he wrote to me and said, “Guess you didn’t make the cut.”

BRAVO, SIR. DOUCHEBAG OF THE YEAR.